Lacey's thoughts

i should have known.

2007-03-26T19:34:05Z

Ugh. He has a new girlfriend. An ugly ass one too. HAHAHA.

God he sucks. He is worthless. A no good low-life. He doesn't go to school, no job, nothing. he had nothing to offer me. I should have seen it all along. Hahaha.

I feel great. Now I have closure and I know for sure that I am better off without him. HA.

Forget everything you thiiiiink you know about me, this isn't highschool, i'm better off home on a saturday with all my doors locked up tight I wont be thinking about you baby. :]

thinlikemizcake @ 2007-03-23T10:55:00

2007-03-23T18:14:42Z

just love me once more, baby
love me like you used to
love me like you did before you broke my heart
Love me like you loved me back when we first met
make me feel wanted, baby, I feel so alone
broken hearts with broken dreams
waiting, wanting, hoping, wanting waiting.
arms wide open, and you just pass me by
baby love me one more time
take away all this fear and pain
baby love me like once did
before you broke my heart
before you wandered your eyes somewhere else
love me baby, I am so scared that you don't love me anymore
Im scared as I sit and watch you edge towards the exit
I sit and fear that one day she will walk in and take you away
I am so alone, in a crowded room, the people are my emotions
fear, anger, love, hate, love, anger and fear
they all remind me, tell me that it's so close, the end
it's closing in...
love me baby, like you used to

or at least pretend.

watching myself drown

2007-03-23T16:38:18Z

I just sit and watch, and I can't do anything. I'm held down and my eyes are pried open. Watching myself screaming for help, knowing that I am going to die.

That is how I feel. Very depressing, I know. We are not together, as desparately as I want to be, we are not, so i can't say anything when girls pursue him. :[ Breaks my heart. I'm just watching, waiting for him to fall in love with someone else. :[

It kills me, and I watch myself drown. Unable to help, just watching, as the life fades from my lips.

Stronger?

2007-03-12T17:39:29Z

I have a hard time figuring out what I should do...

Would it make me stronger as a person to forgive him and make us stronger as a couple to get through this?

Or would it make me a stronger person to walk away from the person I love?

I have been wondering that for so long. I am so crushed for what happened. Just so unbelievably crushed. I wish nothing more than to be able to go back in time and change what happened. Change what he had done to me.

I would have kept my mouth shut and not tell my friends what was going on in my relationship. It is so hard to talk to someone, and have them listen.

I wish I could put someone in my shoes and hand them my feelings and my thoughts and have them fully understand what I am going through. Have them understand what my heartache is, have them know every little nice and sweet thing he has done for me. It breaks my heart to be the only one that knows.

I wish I could just give someone my mind and heart for a minute and let them take over until my heart has healed. Just put my emotions on mute and not feel anything. Just let my mind do all the talking and let my heart just rest. I have put it through so much. HE has put my heart through so much. Is it worth giving him another chance, another opportunity to crush me again? Love is giving someone your heart and having them know that they could crush it, but trusting them not to. I loved him. I loved him so much. I gave him so many chances and opportunities to make things right. It's like the only time he wants to make things right is when I am walking away.

Can people change? Should I fight for what I want, or have i fought enough? Will things to back to "normal" in a month of being with him? Can I learn to trust him again? I want all of this, i want to trust him, I want to fight for him, I want him to change, I don't want things to go back to "normal", but is it possible? I know it would be hard, so does it makes me stronger or does it make me stupid?

All of our lives, we usually take other people's advice. Do as we are told, and "give up" when things get hard. I have never been a quitter. I have never been one to bail out on anything, I have always pushed myself to be better, to be stronger and smarter than everyone else. Taken myself to the limits. Told myself "quitting is for sissies". Haha, not just about ciggarettes, because I DO need to quit those, heh. I guess that is one exception to the rule.

People don't know what they have until it is gone. He knows what he is losing, and has begged for me not to leave. Is he really going to fight for it, or is he going to take it for granted again? I am not a right, I am a privelage. Just like a driver's liscense. You abuse it, you lose it.

I just have been really sad lately. I don't want to give up on him, but i don't trust that he wont hurt me again. :[ Maybe this weekend will shed some light on what is going on. :[ Wish me luck guys, I know I will need it.

<3

-Lacey

How dare you?

2007-03-12T16:55:16Z

How dare you take the heart that I gave you to protect, and shatter it to peices? How dare you take all the love and caring I gave you and turn it around and give me nothing but pain back?

How dare you treat me like a right? I am a privelage. How dare you talk to HER and flirt with HER while you were with ME?! How dare you break my heart over and over and over over over. How dare you use MY computer and MY phone to talk to her. HOW DARE YOU?

How dare you tell me you want to marry me? How dare you tell me those empty words? How dare you hurt me like this? HOW FUCKING DARE YOU?

You have hurt me for the last time. I will not allow you back into my heart.

And you get mad at me because I am not CONFIDANT enough?!?!

LOOK WHAT HAPPENS!!!

How dare you take my already broken heart and smash it to peices? How dare you? WHAT THE FUCK WERE YOU THINKING?

Now you can have her, I don't want you anymore. You don't deserve me. I was stupid enough to give you a chance last time.

I hope she doesn't CHEAT on you, I hope she doesn't LIE to you, I hope she doesn't break your heart.

GOD, I FUCKING HATE YOU RIGHT NOW. I hope she was really worth it to you, I hope that whatever she can offer you is more than I could have ever done for you.

Here I am, once again
I'm torn into pieces
Can't deny it, can't pretend
Just thought you were the one
Broken up, deep inside
But you won't get to see the tears I cry
Behind these light blue eyes.

Plastic.

2007-03-12T16:54:41Z

I just feel like everything that I knew, was fake... and all the things I thought were true, were lies. It's like i was living in a plastic world, and everything plastic melted, and there isn't anything left standing. :[

I'm just standing in a mess.. confused.

The words being spoke to me are in a foreign language, and I can't make sense of anything. It's all gone. Everything I had built and worked for. All gone.

A new post.

2007-03-09T00:24:27Z

Michael and I are no longer.

I dumped him. We broke up the first time, and he tricked me. He asked me to take him to visit his friends in Pomona, and since I still loved him, I took him. Then his sister told me that I had taken him to visit a GIRL. He wasn't with his friends. He was with a girl..

I was stupid and gave him another chance. While we were back together, he kept talking and flirting with her. I caught him yesterday. It's over. He hurt me too bad this time. he was crying and begging me not to leave him. he said he will do whatever it takes to get me back. the whole time i looked at him, and I did not feel sorry for him. I just kept telling him "I don't want to be with you anymore"

He told me "it's supposed to be me and you forever" and I yelled at him "yea, and YOU RUINED THAT!!" he told me that he wanted to marry me and that he loves me. I kept telling him "this isn't love. If you loved me you wouldn't have talked to her anymore" he said it was "harmless flirting" yeah... i don't think it was harmless at all.

So I am done with him. Unless he can flip his life around, there is no way I can be with him. I can't be with him right now anyway. I need to focus on myself for a while.

ugh. I am so crushed. I can't even begin to tell you. :[

I thought he was the one that i would spend the rest of my life with. i guess I was wrong. So very wrong.

:[[[[[

So very very sad.

So, it's been a while.

2007-02-06T17:00:56Z

It's been a while since i last posted. A lot has happened since then. When I looked at myself in the mirror when I first started this LJ i saw fat. I wanted to lose it fast, so i thought "hey my old eating habits made me lose weight FAST" but then i remembered how MISERABLE i was. I used to cut my arms like crazy. And now that I have a boyfriend (gonna be our first anniversary in a week and four days) I don't want to do that anymore.

So this time, I'm gonna lose weight the healthy way. He's gonna be with me no matter what, so why push myself so hard to gain the weight so fast? The world isn't gonna end if I dont lose 10 lbs this month.

Also, i fucking LOVE food, I hate the relationship I have with food. I wish I could just stop eating when I'm full, and not "mindless munch". But I'm starting to catch myself doing that, and making a conscious effort not to do that.

I really want to get skinny, and give my boyfriend a run for his money. You see, I love him, but he doesn't always appreciate me. He takes a LOT for granted. And if I'm hot, and have a lot of guys on my jock, then I guess he's gonna start thinking "i beter start treating her better or else I'm gonna lose her to someone else".

He needs to be scared. Just because we are together doesn't mean he doesn't have to work for it anymore. You know?

I don't weigh any less, but I noticed that I feel better about myself now that I have been going to the gym. I posted a lot of old pictures up, and the one with me with blonde hair, was me at my skinniest. I had no job, no friends, just moved into my dads house, no one home EVER, just got off of meth, and a LOT of spare time to work out. I probably exercised 6-10 hours a day. Riding my bike, going for walks, etc. Sometimes I wish that I had it like that again, but then i wouldn't have a lot of things that I am so greatful to have right now.

So although I don't have all the spare time anymore, I still am able to go to the gym for an hour every other day. :] My boyfriend takes up a lot of my time. I'm amusement to him. When he's bored he comes over to my place and we watch movies(or don't ;] ), I feed him, we go hang out with friends, etc.

My attention span is too short for a gym. I need a bike, and a desert to take walks in. That's what i did at my dads house. he lives in the middle of no-where, so i had no friends, nothing to do, so i took walks or rode my bike around. Explored. Rode my bike 13 effin miles to the mall. HA! yeah. Now the most walking I do, is to and from my car. Damn car made me lazy.

Anyway. I'm at work right now, so I'm gonna start doing what I am paid to do.

-Lacey

P.s. Thanks for reading/listening. I really have no one to vent to about this stuff. Cept jane, and she's not online. :]

Seriously the best website.

2007-01-05T20:18:51Z

www.thedailyplate.com

I'm not gonna starve myself anymore, but i am going to have 323 calories or less a day, and since I am going to the gym today, I might have just a little more. :] That website has helped me so much. Sign up! It's free! It tells you the calories in everything and how many you have to eat a day to lose 4 lbs a week :]

I love that thing. :]